If I had a choice between playing a new Xbox360 game and playing an all time classic like Streets of Rage 2, I would of course pick the Xbox360. When I got bored with that I would bust out my emulator, sync up with my brother Rick and play the hell out of some SoR2. Oh hell yes we would!
Streets of Rage 2 was by far the best and greatest, nay the pinnacle of the brawler “beat em up” style game. Double Dragon, the Ninja Turtles games, Bad Dudes – all the rancid dog-doodie on bottom of SoR2’s boots.
If you don’t believe me then it’s clear that you haven’t played this game. Yes it’s that good, so good that if you disagree then your opinion is literally wrong. Dealing with that kind of extremity is what playing this game is all about. Why only yesterday I was a mere lad and I stole this title from my friend, I somehow convinced him that he “lost it.” *snortle* Used to hook that bad boy up and play with my brother all through the night.
Now this is the best and most important part of the game. This is what makes the game most worthwhile, and why it’s a testament to Japanese perversion. Choose the character Blaze, the hot brunet with the great gravity defying rack. Make her do her cartwheel kick and pause just as her legs are at a 90 degree angle. UNDERWEAR!!!! Purty pink panties! Old Mary Jane Rotten-crotch! BOOYAH! Is what you would say if you were like 13, which I was at the time.
Now there is no reason for you to play this game. 
Provided you were able to make it past the 1st level and all the panty-peekabooing, you were in for a lush beautiful 2D rendered world of punks, hookers, fat guys with chains, motorcycles from Beyond Thunderdome and Mr. X. The game progresses from left to right standard 2D side scrolling action, with the occasional diagonal right-down and an elevator scene or two. The colors are gorgeous and the characters look really defined for a 16 bit game.
Story-wise you’re out you rescue Adam, the black dude from SoR1. He’s been kidnapped by that rascal Mr. X. You got a couple friends to come along for the ball-breakery, including Adams kid brother Skate, and a gigantic wrestler named Max. You go from scene to scene kicking ass and chewing bubble gum, even though you’re ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM BABY! This game packs so much punch that in order to keep up with demand for ass kickery, Sega had to import cheap colons from Mexico. Unfortunately the colons were of such a sub-par quality from all the chipotle blood stains, they soon had to switch to Indian suppliers… much better quality even if they smell like curried goat.
If they made a video game version for that song “Old Time Rock N Roll” then it would be this game. If you are a 16 bit Sega aficionado this is a title that belongs in your collection.
Popularity: 20% [?]
You know why the video games of yesteryear are better than the games today? Simplicity. I find myself taking frequent breaks from the overly polished games of today to play my old Sega Genesis or NES. After all, why watch hours of rendered cut scenes in Resident Evil 5 or Rise of the Argonauts when I can jump on turtle shells, fall into never ending pits of doom or kill vampires in luscious 2D side scroll-ers? Games made more sense back then. They were simple – shoot bubbles at enemies, pop them, eat the crystals or cakes they drop and keep going until you rescue your sexy dragon-woman girlfriend. SO SEXY! Easy, right? Who wants to play a game where you are the dream of a dead race that might have existed inside of someone’s imagination? Is that plot confusing? That’s how I felt when I played Final Fantasy VIII.
You may be wondering what I am getting at, let me be direct – the games of today suck compared to my biased nostalgia of games like Mario 3, the Adventure of Link, and Bubble Bobble. And it is with love for those old time classics that I am going to pay tribute to one of the best RPG games I ever played: Sword of Vermillion.
*FANFARE*
I can clearly remember when I was 7 or 8 busting my ass, and possibly some child labor laws cutting grass, raking leaves, and shoveling snow to come up with enough dough to buy a Turbo Graphics 16 game system. I reeeeallllly wanted Bonks Adventure because the commercial was so awesome. My Nintendo Entertainment System while great and having well over 200 titles on my basement floor, was no longer cutting it. and the next generation of video gaming had begun, 16 bits! Well there we were, pops took me to the local Toy Works and I had 160 dollars. He said “What do you want?” At the time I couldn’t remember the name Bonk so I was trying to explain “The game with the guy with the giant head!” No one understood… oh the life of an introverted child.
What I ended up leaving with, very accidentally, was Sega Genesis. And how!
The 1st game I bought for it was Sword of Vermillion, the guy told me it was like the Legend of Zelda. In retrospect he should be tortured for lying to such a sweet young boy as I was. Be that as it may, the selection was quite limited, the Sega Genesis was still pretty new – they were still running the “Genesis DOES! What Ninten-don’t” ad campaign on TV and on the kiosk in the store.
Sword of Vermillion, how I love thee. How clever I thought I was naming my Character “Billya.” My name, in case you didn’t get it, is Billy… but when you’re 8 adding the “A” on there was a clever way of pretending my name could sound like it came from fantasy antiquity.
SoV was an awesome game and tough as shit for someone my age, not so much today. It’s an RPG of sorts that used a weird overhead mini-map system when moving around and had plenty of randomly spawning monsters. In battle it was kind of like the legend of Zelda in that it was real action, of course the similarities ended there. In the boss fights (masters as we called them a hold over from our days watching “Captain N and the Game Masters”) it was side scrolling real time action. There was no real strategy per say, but tell that to a kid who is struggling with his multiplication tables.
Father? NOOOOOOOOO!!!111oneone
The plot is this: Our adventurer Billya is called to his dying father (or so he thought) Blade. Blade tells you that your real father was King Erik of Excalibra. He and his long time friend and ally Tsarkon the King of Carpathia were collecting the 16
rings of the gods. 8 good and 8 evil. Of course, like the dumbshits they were, they started with the rings of evil first and wouldn’t you know it Tsarkon turned into a total douche, he killed Erik, crushed Excalibra and decided to go after the rest of the rings. To anyone paying attention you might be wondering if the rings of good would have made him become neutral. Well… they don’t. Anyway, Blade escapes with you apparently as a baby along with the Ring of Wisdom. (which is a ring of good). Blade tells you to go and get it from a cave and begin your quest of ruining Tsarkon’s shit.
Did I? Hell yeah I did. I busted some skeleton ass in that cave, got my ring and traveled on. You pretty much travel the mini map to different locations, each harder than the last. You go to a kingdom, meet a king and he either tries to kill you, send you on an errand or both. Eventually you get a ring of good from him. One king was a total cock though: The King of Swiftham, a dirty, greedy, bastard. If he represented a real life person I bet he would run a Cumberland Farms convenience store with 10 dollar potatoes and 2 dollar 8 oz sodas and be the only one open late the night before Thanksgiving. Well he makes you go to 3 separate caves to get 3 gems for him. 3! Eventually he gives up the ring not out of kindness though. I think a size 11 boot print on his ass did the job. In another town a little girl meets you on the road and you help her out. It turns out she is a giant 2 headed fire tossing demon. You own her ass like a total pimp and she gives you a spell book of healing. BONUS!
In time you make your way to Excalibra and meet an old dude who tells you more of the game’s back story, then fueled by the rage of some unknown guy killing the father you never met you go to Carpathia. There’s a hot princess who totally wants your package there so in my head I imagined getting it on with her before heading off to take on Tsarkon. He is in a cave, (Obviously) however his area is locked, and in order to get to him you have to fight EVERY boss you fought previously all over again to get their keys to gain access. *Facepalm*
In the final battle, like all evil weenies, he offers you his hand in partnership despite the fact that it’s crammed with 8 evil rings and he’s the guy who killed your daddy. You say “NO! NO YOU BEAST I WILL DESTROY YOU!” At least that’s what I was yelling at the TV. And take him on in mortal combat. 2 men enter, 1 man leaves! Guess who? ME. That’s right bitch! Then I traveled back to Carpathia for some sweet sweet loving in the tender hands of the princess. YES! The end! You are my hero!
Anyway, I still sneak off from World of Warcraft, Halo or whichever of today’s games to find solace of reliving the fantasy in the world of Sword of Vermillion. The game is easy by today’s standards, but goddamn what a sweet escape.
Popularity: 14% [?]
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