Had a good weekend visiting my brother and sister in law up in Philly. Got to see Clo-bo and Care-bear (nieces) and visit the city. I love how laid back it is for a city, it isn’t like New York, it’s just… Philly. Anyway more content to come soon, working on several new stories, a possible novella and a ton more Billy Files.
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Chillen with my family in Philly, have a good weekend.
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Forgot to go to bed, time to go to work, with 0 sleep LOL redbull time.
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I am 28 years old and I feel like I’m still a child. It has taken me this long just to figure myself out as much as I have and yet I still don’t have the full picture. I think I know what I want, but things like genetics get in my way. I am not exactly sure what I am even trying to say. There is a tinge of loneliness to it though and I don’t know if that is self imposed or due to my lack of emotional maturity.
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Being an INFJ is like being trapped in an iron maiden, there really is no escape. If I were a sensing type an ISTJ or ISTP or ESTP or whatever I could always drink. Being an ST type when you do drugs or drink you erase the dominant aspect of your personality, you erode your ability to sense and think… this isn’t so much the case for an INFJ, my dominant aspects arent sensing, so when I drink or do drugs I merely take away functions I dont rely on anyway. Which leaves you helplessly stuck in that iron maiden. If I could change my type I would, but I can’t. So I am stuck and I feel it every day, its like I am drowning and I am taking in just a little more water into my lungs. How I can salvage this I don’t know.
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So smooth, I rub my foot down her calf, I cant believe how smooth her legs are. She is so beautiful. This is so wrong, so immoral, so illegal.
“What are you thinking now?” Brenda asks softly into my ear. A smile curling up slightly in the corners of her full lips.
“I don’t know…” I say.
Her eyes strain to meet mine, I look away. I know she wants me, I know she loves me, I love her too I think… but I cant say it. I’m locked away.
“Are you ok? you are being sort of quiet…” the smile is gone now, she is being serious.
My mind scrambles to find the “correct” answer to disengage this thought process. I don’t know what I’m doing, this is too new for me. I don’t even know what I feel, mostly confusion.
“I’m just tired.” Such a stupid and unsatisfying answer.
“But, you have to be thinking something. Are you sure you are ok with this?” She says through pout-y lips I feel her heart tremble beneath her breasts, she is deeply worried I am going to hurt her. I am going to hurt her.
“I’m fine…”
She rubs her hand across my chest and tousles the soft dark hairs, her deep tawny complexion jags across my flesh, in contrast it looks beautiful. I am entranced by her beauty, her heart, her age…
Her head comes to rest on my stomach, it rises and falls rhythmically, she is staring into my face now, I accidentally catch her eyes and we lock on for a moment. My heart stops.
“What do you want out of all this Brenda?” I ask solemnly. She lifts her head and climbs up onto her arms and they straddle my chest. She comes in very close, I can feel her breath on my lips, it smells like tangerine lip gloss. She mouths the words without making a sound. I… Want… You. On “you” she points to my heart.
I feel so awkward, I am just learning to be my own man for the 1st time in my life. I know I want to be near her, I want to continue be with her, but I just cannot bring myself to give in, and I don’t know why. I don’t know myself well enough to give anything away. My beautiful Jamaican princess. I could go to prison for her age a 100 times over, my mind races with a million possibilities, I turn my head to look at the clock.
“I have to take you home now, its late”
She silently nods and gets up to dress. My chest feels heavy, it feels betrayed. I betrayed myself again.
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I watched Tenacious D’s Pick of Destiny 3 times this week and this scene makes me laugh every single time. Jack Black is HILARIOUS!
Jack Black trips out on Mushrooms!
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Freude, schöner Götterfunken
Tochter aus Elysium,
Wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
Deine Zauber binden wieder
Was die Mode streng geteilt;
Alle Menschen werden Brüder,
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.
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