Archive for the ‘Rant Files’ Category
I was sitting around the other day contemplating an undeniable fact. No not the fact that feminists are nothing short of worthless, not the fact that fat people need to eat less or that all people who drive SUV’s because its trendy should have hot coals shoved in their assholes… but the undeniable fact that no one can refute: ZOMBIES KICK ASS!
Think about it… Dracula? Pussy… he’s got a cheesy accent and got taken out by a group of pussy Englishmen… ENGLISHMEN!!! Frankenstein’s monster? ZZZZZZZZ he’s about 300 pounds of snooze. The wolf man? Give me a break any monster that has a bitch like Warren Zevon write a song about it is about as tough as a pack of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fruit baskets knocking on your door…although now that I think about it, that could be pretty terrifying, at least until I dealt them a friendly shot gun blast to the chest.
Zombies on the other hand, you can shoot them in the balls, chop their heads off, shit on their face and they will still keep coming. Dracula cant even step to a horde of zombies, he tried but got his shit messed up, seriously he came at them wearing that sissy cape and talking about traveling oceans of time for love and a zombie just upped and bit the mother fuckers nipple off.
Sometimes I pray for a zombie invasion, well not an invasion just for the plague this way I would have a legal excuse to shoot EVERYONE. Guess who I wouldn’t shoot? No one! That’s right I’d shoot everyone. Especially midgets! There is a midget that works in the mall, I went there one day (bad idea!) to get a new DVD. He worked at Suncoast which is a movie store. After wielding my machete to slash through the isles of Nightmare Before Xmas merchandise and Al Pacino posters I found my way to the most under-represented section. Horror. I grabbed up Dawn of the Dead and brought it back to the counter. I was startled when a midget jumped up on a stool and began to ring me out… I was freaked out when he reached across the counter for the DVD from my hands but couldn’t reach, so I had to halfheartedly toss it across the massive 1 foot long gulch that his 9 inch arm couldn’t traverse. Then he hit me up for signing up for a movie plus card. Which is another way for corporations to track my purchases… being so unnerved at the sight of a midget trying to reach the cash register I signed away at whatever he threw in front of me. (I said threw because he couldn’t hand it to me.) I left the store feeling filthy and irked out… Midgets should NOT be allowed to work in the general public; they should be forced to work as circus performers or occasionally in coal chutes where they need a small body to fit down narrow crevices.
Anyway back to zombies, yeah totally if there was a zombie plague everyone can count on a friendly shotgun blast to the colon, no I’m not jokingly referring to shooting someone in the buttocks, I mean literally a double barrel 12 gauge power colonic with extra buckshot. Also I would thoroughly enjoy shooting a zombified Christina Aguelera in the face. Bohemian and Fat baby zombies will be held in special areas for sport shooting.
Popularity: 8% [?]
As such I will not be joining your cult Global Warmingists! Ohhh you thought this blog was going to be apolitical did you? Well you are right, it is. Global Warming isn’t a political issue. Its a faux religious one. The next nugget of ass-tard-er-y that insists my Mustang is going to cause hell on earth is going to get a size 11 boot in his pooper. Thats right I said “HIS” Take that ardent feminists!
Half man, Half bear, half pig!
I just don’t understand how so many people can be scammed so completely into believing that MMGW is a fact. Anyone who decides to do a little research on the issue sees zounds evidence that GW is caused by the sun and issues outside of our control. Don’t tell that to the people who insist that your enjoyment of insidious contraptions like flush toilets, electricity and the combustion engine are damning us all to hell on earth. They might decide to teach you a lesson by protesting in front of your meager house, leaving tons of trash and waste products behind… you know all in the name of green peace!
When I see the cult of GW (CGW) trying to use the gub’mint to pass restrictive legislation that would destroy our standard of living just so they can go home to their untouched mansions (its ok they use carbon credits!) It makes me think of that scene in Monty Python where they are trying to burn a Witch. Its the same religious zeal based on emotional un-rationalizations to force their religious beliefs on others. They are no better than the Farting Preacher and the guys who want to Tithe you for all your worth. I EVEN get these people coming to my door early on a Saturday morning looking to have people sign a petition (pages long of paper by the way) to stop this from being built and that from being constructed etc etc. Its absurd. What I would give to just have regular ole Evangelists come to my door instead and tell me I am going to hell for real sins, like sex, masturbation and shooting people. No no, now I get these pale skinned pinkos accusing me of murdering children I haven’t ejaculated into a woman yet by using a push mower instead of a scythe or scissors. What about my freedom from religion? Where the fuck is the ACLU on that one huh?!
Anyway. Heres the deal; for every mile you people walk to save the Earth I am going to drive 2 in my mustang. For every animal you don’t eat to save the whales I will order an extra burger. And when the CGW finally manages to assume control and destroy freedom and democracy as we know it, I will just opt out and buy some Carbon Credits, after all like most religions the Global Warming Cult is just a way to get money from my pocket into theirs.
I am loading my shotgun and Glock by the way. Just thought I would let you all know.
Popularity: 18% [?]
What gets lost amidst the groveling masses huddling in cold long lines out front of WalMart for their 200 dollar Vizio 40 inch TV is what the holidays are all about.
What are the holidays about? Well I am glad you ask, its all about an over emotional attachment to your youthful ignorant days as a little crotch fruit, getting lots of gifts (If you were lucky) and not caring about the future outside of how much fun your shiny little bit of goodness was going to bring you.
So we buy into the scam when we are kids because when we are kids we get things, but when you’re this much closer to your 30s and Christmas cheer is replaced with soul sapping stress and shopping it takes on a whole new meaning. Hating the holidays, wondering why we do it, and then feeling guilty for being so fucking pessimistic.
I totally plan on combating this fatigue this winter solstice by making inexpensive gifts from the heart and giving those out instead. Poems say.
Oh merry fun will be had by all. Ha ha ha.
Popularity: 7% [?]
The further I go the less I believe in love as a form of abstraction… its really fucking tough to make things work out and usually someone has to swallow a lot of poison to make it work. It leads me to question life long monogamy, and I say this at 28 going into 29 a males prime years, and while I have no shortage of ladies who are interested, I cant help but to wonder, whats the point? I fear the die hard romantic in me is slowly being murdered by the side of me that wallows in insecure pessimism.
I have become something of the Simon Cowell of the dating world around here… I talk to a lady and all I can do is sniff out an agenda, what you are looking for Mr. Right? Someone who will love you and your faults and treat you with respect and take care of you when you need it and remain loyal and faithful while still being attractive and has pride and self dignity? Why yes that’s me, and what do you bring to the table? Nothing? oh… Sex? oh… woopdifuckingdoo.
I remember pining away in college drawing with charcoal late into the night or scribbling in my journal wondering when I was going to find the woman who completed me. Apparently she never showed up and I ended up having to complete myself. Now that I got that going for me people want in on it… except I don’t want them in on it because it took me long enough to get here.
The more things change…
At this point I see relationships more like a business transaction, I do want to have children and a family, but the steps I must take to get them seems kind of asinine to me.
Will Miss perfect show up? I am doubtful. Then again I stinted on nothing in a relationship I sacrificed for for 8 years and then she took off when I had nothing left in the emotional reserves to give. She sucked me dry and then left. Maybe I am just bitter and hurt still I dunno.
Popularity: 4% [?]
1. Whenever someone tells you that they and their husband just “Started a business” and they want to “have a meeting to discuss its details with people.” you should go running. Its a network marketing thing.
2. Never shave your face, balls and dick immediately before going off to the big show. Lest ye be vexed!
3. When she says shes only slept with 12 guys she forgot to mention she is cognitively dyslexic.
4. When you roll a joint of cannabis, please please please cut the cannabis with scissors or a grinder 1st don’t use clumps.
5. Stop eating at Wendys!
6. When playing Call of Duty, never reload in the doorway you fucking retard!
7. Sex without pain is like masturbating inside someone.
8. Videogames and gaming culture is sexy goddamnit!
9. knowledge is its own reward.
10. Chivalry isn’t dead. I got that shit on life support.
Popularity: 3% [?]
My brow glistened, shrink wrapped in a veil of sweat, “its august 4th” today I thought my nieces are being born and I am terrified. Terrified that my family will reject me, that I will be turned away from the hospital, that I would be excluded from the things that truly mattered to me. And I feel the detachment, the floating sense of intuition, judging, judging, analyzing, all. The moat of my psyche is its draw bridge drawn? Will I let them in if they did accept me, and wasn’t it funny how that was even more terrifying? Then what would I do? I just want to see my nieces, I just want, no need desperately for them to matter to me, to know my heart can hook into them and anchor itself to the notion of true family. It boils down to me never getting excited, never getting attached to anything except the rocks of my life, can I bring them in, can I do it immediately or do I have to pretend? I am so tired of pretending, the wellspring of my patience has dried up and I am so very tired of caring for other idiots little worlds. But this matters, this is my flesh, I want to be there and I want to be an uncle, In fact I want to be a great uncle, whatever that means. I know Colby will handle the true fatherly stuff, but, and I love him he is not the most intelligent man alive… He doesnt understand things, will he let me share my gifts with them? Or will he draw a line? I know they are only mine through my brother and sister in law, but will they allow me to have a personal loved relationship with them? To teach them help them grow into strong beautiful young intelligent and most importantly confident and competant women. I just want to protect them from all the genuine horrors life can offer, from the pain and hurt I felt. I was able to take it, and I want them to be strong enough to take it too, but I dont want them to experience that. How can I give them that? How can I give them that piece of myself and teach them to use that. I want them to have every advantage we never had. Every strength from Colbys charm and extravertedness to mine and Rickys silent resolve, force of will, and deepness of person. Shit the phone rang.
Popularity: 15% [?]
So, House of 1000 Corpses, Devils Rejects, Halloween and Halloween 2… I mean excuse me if I am underwhelmed. The “best” unarguably of this list would be Devils Rejects and that’s just going by popular opinion. I didn’t find that I enjoyed it so much. I like gratuity and over the top violence as much as the next person, but for Christs sake either show us too little or show us too much and give us a reason for it. Every time I watch a RZ film I feel like I am watching MTV from when I was a kid. Does he do this on purpose? I think his stuff sucks, some of it is watchable, but overall it sucks. The fact that he has even been given another chance to direct another Halloween film is just tragedy to me. I fell asleep during the last 15 minutes of the 1st one he did. Didn’t John Carpenter already master the crazy psychotic killer with the baby sitter thing back in the day? What the fuck else could possibly be added to it? oh wait RZ made him 14 and a half feet fucking tall that’s about it.
And how much of himself did he fantasize into his gigantic Michael Myers anyway? The fucking dude doesn’t talk, he has no depth, he isn’t even a human character in the traditional sense he is a plot device to antagonize the other characters. HOW then HOW can you make the movie about him and NOT the other characters? Yeah yeah he added his aging wife to the cast to put some human drama into the film, the 1 saving grace… other than that though it was a fucking Michael Myers music video. RZ Hang it up! Go back to making singles on radio 104!
Popularity: 3% [?]
August 24th, 2009 Cable
Yes so after what felt like weeks we finally got our cable up and running. Wait it has been weeks. ATT Uverse. So far it looks pretty good, the HD is clear, the menu is slick and easy to navigate. I have 100s of hours worth of space to save my favorite tv shows like “The Shark Tank” or “House” or “Hells Kitchen”. My only concern is, what the hell has happend to cable boxes since the last time I had one? Sure its been 10 years but what the hell am I looking at? They are much bigger than the picture even lets on, and why are they mating? I want to launch a campaign for good looking stream lined cable boxes. No longer should we be shackled to these monstrosities.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Pardon my morosity, but what’s everyone got to be so happy about? Yeah yeah, you got married, you got a raise, and you found the Tao or some phenomenally Zen thing to vibrate your emotional clitoris to, wonderful, good for you. Me? I ain’t one for the smacking govoreeting of bipolar dopamine and white knuckled adrenaline that is the human experience. I sit back coolly calculating the situation in a quiet madness that roars louder than the fiercest Herculean lion, but only in my own unmarried ears. It’s deafening, it goes rrrrrrriiiiinnnnngggggg, like you just got out of an extra loud concert with giant testicle shrinking sub woofers. Yup, make no mistake about it, the black hole of my sullen gaze, reaches into every corner of the great hereafter, it reflects an abashed jealousy of accomplishments which send me seething red, red and red like the poor skin of a medieval Lucifer himself, chained unfairly to the fetid underbelly of the world. Steamy vexed miasma puffs from my cheeks like a common Frenchman casually cancer-ing his life in his latent urban socialist shithole. Each wisp choking me and those around me, poisoning the well stream of relationships which could… should be cultivated, but instead I ravage, what with my being a Mongolian scourge.
Who’s really to say why, history is a cheap filthy whore, she gives toothy head and leaves you with a take home gift, put it on my tab. Herpes or Hepatitis B. “Thankyouverymuch”. All I know is that I want each and every single one of you to fail so I can feel better. And before I let my knavish poltroon of a conscience stifle this hot sticky load of realism I want to extend my deepest “fuck you” to everyone I love and cherish. You keep me anchored to this temporal reality of shit, love handles, and mortality. If it weren’t for you, to steal a phrase maybe I could have shuffled loose, the mortal coil. Instead, I stay to make you worry, to stare aghast as I deconstruct myself internally. A big extended “fuck you” indeed. Hows that for my weak verbose endings?
Popularity: 6% [?]
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